Baptism by Fire

I was thinking recently about some of the hard things I’ve done over my 40 years as an adult. The first one that came to mind took me back to college.

My mom had a friend who owned a temporary employment company. She needed a salesperson, so I landed a summer internship. On my first day, she walked me into her office, pointed to a chair with a desk, a phone, and a fishbowl—no, not the kind with fish, the kind filled with business cards.

She said, “Your job is to call and get appointments,” then sat down at her desk in the same office.

No training. No script. No real direction. Just… go.

I had zero experience and knew nothing about cold calling.

Baptism by fire.

I don’t remember how I did, only that I survived—and somehow showed up again the next day. In fact, she hired me back over the holidays.

Most salespeople experience intense fear around cold calling, whether by phone or in person. In sales, it’s known as call reluctance. It’s one of the biggest hurdles to success—and one of the main reasons people avoid selling altogether.

When I thought about that experience, it hit me: leadership—and relationships of all kinds—have their own version of call reluctance.

I call it confrontation reluctance.

And it may be the death knell of growth—in leadership, marriages, families, teams, even neighborhoods. It’s no wonder confrontation is feared. When people are asked what words come to mind, nearly 90% are negative. That perception drives behavior—and keeps us silent.

So how do we overcome it?

One way is reframing—shifting from fear to curiosity, from avoidance to growth.

Take difficult feedback, like missed deadlines. Instead of saying, “You’re constantly missing deadlines,” which feels accusatory and triggers defensiveness, try using “I” statements.

Why? Because defensiveness shuts down healthy dialogue. Our rational, executive brain steps aside, and the amygdala takes over, shouting, “I’m not safe—fight or shut down!”

Missed deadlines are rarely intentional. There’s usually something underneath. That’s where curiosity matters.

Try this:
“I’ve noticed some deadlines have been missed. I believe it's not intentional. Can you help me understand what’s behind that?”

Then—pause.

Thinking is hard. As Henry Ford said, “Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is why so few engage in it.”

Once people start thinking, you’re in dialogue.

Use “how” and “what” questions to drive ownership:
“How can we work together to address what’s underneath this?”
“What ideas do you have to resolve it?”

And again—pause.

Sometimes a closed question helps create alignment:
“Do you agree this is something we need to address?”

The goal isn’t to coerce, convince, or control.
The goal is to learn, collaborate, and help people own the solution.

So next time you’re facing a tough conversation, choose courage over comfort. Comfort leaves issues unresolved—and resentment grows in the silence.

Reconnect to mutual purpose. Lead with respect. Stay calm. Stay curious.

Growth lives on the other side of the conversation.