Defense is a Lousy Offense

Many of my clients know me enough to know that my wife and I love to visit breweries. We even schedule getaways around a good brewery we’ve heard of.  The special craft beer is really good, but the connection, conversation and fun are the real value in our marriage.

We have one that we really love, and we’ve been going for a few years.  The beer is amazing. The vibe is perfect, and the people are absolutely awesome.

Usually.

A few months ago, my wife saw a deal on their website – yes, she signed up to get notifications.  It was for a free $25 gift card with the purchase of a $100 gift card.  Well, we’d be going anyway, so this was a no-brainer for us.

This may get tricky to follow, but please stay with me.

So, we bought the $100 gift card, which included another free $25 gift card, and gave a 15% tip.  Yeah, that was silly, but they turn that POS on you, and you have to hit “custom” to change it. So, I clicked the next best.  I always tip, but not typically on a gift card since I’ll tip when we use it. Anyway, you do the math.

When we got home and looked at the receipt, we were charged for the $25 FREE card. We paid $125 plus tip! No big deal, we’ll just sort it out when get there again.

I happened to be driving by one day and decided to get it taken care of. And that’s when I met her.

As I approached, I tried to figure out how to present this without confusion. So, I did my best. She was confused, and I think a little embarrassed. And then got angry. No matter how “soft” my approach, and trust me, I pushed myself because I could see she was uncomfortable and tabling it in frustration, directing it back at me. She didn’t understand, defaulted to defensiveness, and asked for no help.

I stood there and was dumbfounded. How could I have approached that differently? I teach this stuff, darn it! Looking back, I felt I approached it well. I can get worked up when someone challenges my integrity, but I stayed full on Cool Hand Luke. You know, Paul Newman. If you don’t, look it up.

So, I waited. Frustrated. I love this place. These people. And now this. It was messing with me. I don’t remember the last time I’d been treated that way in a service situation.

Eventually, she came back, and another server, who heard everything and knew my disappointment and frustration, came to help her. They worked it out. She, with a little attitude, fixed it and never apologized.

I know she was confused and embarrassed and clearly handled things poorly. And there may have been some other life situation. But a sincere apology would not have made any of that worse and in fact, would have made her feel better.

Conflict is challenging. It takes courage and humility. And it’s not guaranteed to be productive even if you do it right. It takes two. But here’s the lesson. Do it anyway. It improves our odds and makes us better.