What Are You Looking For?

The more I learn about communication, the more I realize just how complicated it is.

We don't simply see people as they are.
We see them through our experiences, our upbringing, our assumptions, our expectations—and sometimes, the stories we've already created about them.

That reminds me of an old story.

An old man was sitting near the entrance to a town when a traveler approached.

"What kind of people live in this town?" the traveler asked.

The old man responded with a question.

"What were the people like in the town you came from?"

The traveler shook his head.

"They were selfish, dishonest, unfriendly, and difficult."

The old man replied, "I'm afraid you'll find the people here much the same."

Later, another traveler approached and asked the old man the exact same question.

Again, the old man asked, "What were the people like in the town you came from?"

This traveler smiled.

"They were kind, generous, hardworking, and friendly."

The old man smiled back.

"You'll find the people here much the same."

Same town.

Same people.

Two very different expectations.

The difference wasn't necessarily what was in front of them.

It was the lens they were looking through.

We do this every day.

Someone disappoints us, and we begin looking for more disappointment.

Someone earns our trust, and we're more likely to interpret their actions positively.

We decide someone is difficult, negative, lazy, or selfish—and suddenly we begin finding evidence to prove ourselves right.

That's the danger of expectations.

We tend to find what we're already looking for.

So maybe every once in a while, we need to clean the lens.

Challenge the story.

Question the assumption.

Assume good intent.

And ask ourselves:

Am I seeing this person as they are—or as I've already decided they are?