Are You Having the Wrong Conversation?

When I met Amy back in the Stone Age (1988), she was all-in on Jane Fonda-style workouts. I was a runner and weightlifter. Naturally, I assumed my exercise choices were superior.

With a little too much confidence and not nearly enough wisdom, I decided to join her workout one day.

It didn't go well.

I couldn't keep up, and my humility was quickly put back in its proper place.

We were 22 years old. Fast forward 38 years. We're now headed into our 60s!

Amy has spent most of her life active, though not always through formal exercise. As a full-time mom for years and now a part-time "Gigi," she's constantly moving. Truthfully, she probably gets more daily activity than I do, despite my intentional workouts and running.

Last year, however, she started weight training—something I never thought I'd see.

Actually, I still don't "see" it. If I open the rec room door while she's working out, there's a good chance I'll get punched.

The challenge is protein. She's a vegetarian and doesn't eat breakfast, making it difficult to get the protein needed to support strength training.

So, being the helpful husband that I am, I kept offering solutions.

And she kept pushing back.

Finally, I admitted my frustration: "I feel rejected when I'm trying to help."

Not exactly my finest coaching moment.

The tension passed, but the next day a thought hit me.

I wasn't listening. I was fixing.

Before I could share my revelation, Amy walked into my office and said, "We were having the wrong conversation. You were having a practical conversation. I was having an emotional conversation."

Exactly.

At the same time, I happened to be reading Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg while Amy was editing a video on the same topic. Duhigg explains that most conversations fall into three categories: Practical Conversations—solving problems; Emotional Conversations—sharing feelings; and Social Conversations—understanding identity, relationships, and belonging.

The problem? Many of our conflicts happen because we're having different conversations without realizing it.

One person wants solutions. The other person wants understanding.

One person wants facts. The other person wants connection.

And both leave frustrated because neither feels heard.

Think about a recent difficult conversation.

Were you solving while they were sharing?

Were you explaining while they were feeling?

Were you answering a question they never asked?

Sometimes the issue isn't the topic.

It's that we're having the wrong conversation.

Before responding, ask yourself: What conversation is this person trying to have right now?

You may discover the fastest way to solve a problem is to stop trying to solve it.